Mustaches & Beards

Top 10 Beards of Greek Mythology

October 21, 2014

10. Uranus

Not to be confused with the planet, Uranus was the god of the sky. He held this title until, you know, he got his balls cut off and thrown into the sea by his son Cronus (depicted in the painting above). Nice beard, bad situation.

9. Manticore

The Manticore had the body of a lion, the face of a human, and a tail that stung like a scorpion. He could also shoot his teeth like poisonous blow darts, spoke in riddles, and liked to kill humans. It eventually evolved into Miley Cyrus who is alive and well today.

8. Hades

Hades was god of the underworld. He had a nasty unkempt beard and a three-headed dog named Cerberus. In his spare time he ruled the underworld, hung out in darkness, and spit game at Xena the Warrior Princess from time to time.

7. Cyclops

There’s a lot of speculation as to where these thugs came from but who cares, Cyclops’ rocked the cascading facial hair well. They were rude, giant punks who worked in volcanoes. That’s right- volcanoes.

6. Cronus

Cronus was a real gem. He had the homeless guy beard look and liked to eat his own children. He was banished to the underworld by Zeus after a rebellion but Cronus somehow was said to have escaped to Italy. Yep, Italy. He may have invented the Espresso machine, who knows.

5. Chimera

The Chimera was said to be made out of three different creatures: a lion, a serpent, and a goat (sounds like my ex). It wreaked havoc all over the place until it was killed by Bellerophon, while he was flying over the Chimera on the infamous Pegasus. It’s worth noting also that it had a pretty cool monster goatee.

4. Atlas

Atlas held the world up. His beard was like that of a mighty waterfall. He faught against Zeus, but to no avail. His punishment was to hold the world up. If you look closely you'll see that he's giving the bird to Zeus for putting the weight of the world on his shoulders.

3. Heracles

Heracles had a sweet beard, small penis (see above), and huge muscles. He was the son of Zeus whose favorite weapon was a huge club. He would have fit in perfectly on the cast of Jersey Shore.

2. Zeus

You know Zeus right? Everyone does. He was the king of the gods back in the day. The ladies loved his godly spirit beard.

1. Poseidon

Poseidon (not to be confused with Broseidon) was king of the sea. He grasped a trident and could totally beat Ariel’s dad (King Triton) in a fight any day. Basically, he was a tough guy who didn’t take shit from anyone. Not even the Great Whites. The. Beard.